♪♪ ♪♪ Man:
Introducing the all-new 2018 — Woman: Don’t juggle
with your data pla– Man: Working himself up
into a demonic frenzy here — Woman:
Hanukkah candle se– Crowd:
♪ How to get salmonella ♪ Man: [ Chuckles ]
That’s one way to get — Woman:
Mmm. It’s cranberry night. What’s on the menu?
Cranberry juice? Flute is ready, it’s time
to tackle your first song. We’ll give it a try together. Oh, no. This one
is way too hard. Man: …teen trillion d– I want to tell you something.
We’ve been getting a lot of calls
recently from our viewers, asking about the things
that they really need. And our own
Appolonia Moorehouse has delivered.
Appol-tini. I asked you not
to call me Appol-tini. [ Chuckles ] You’re lucky
I don’t tell them the story -about your nickname.
-Can I get more sound? You know, maybe I will tell them
what your nickname is. It’s cum-hound. G.I. Joe — Man: Ask your doctor
if Myasol is right for you. Hey, bro, you want to work out? Yeah, so do I. ♪♪ -And it was like —
-Yeah, I fucked the dog. [ Clicking ] ♪♪ Man: There’s a lot of
negative energy here. Man #2: There’s just something
off about this place. There’s just weird
stuff going on. ♪♪ -It’s a can or…?
-It’s a — ♪♪ What the fuck is going on?
Look at this. What the fuck
does that mean? -Holy shit.
-Oh, shit. The total is 666. ♪♪ Does anybody speak Italian,
by any chance? “Vewy Scawy,” Tuesdays at — [ Wheezing ] [ Dog barking, siren wailing ] ♪♪ Andavolu: Two men
on a business trip to Denver try to find their favorite
late-night food spot from a previous trip
five years earlier. But is it still around? And did it ever
actually exist, at all? I’m Krishna Andavolu, and this
is “Unsolved Weed Mysteries.” ♪♪ Mitch and Terry weren’t
just cubicle mates at their small accounting firm
in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. They were late-night tokers with a predilection for online
gaming and offline bong rips. So, when their company sent them
on a work trip to Denver, Colorado, all bets were off. [ Clears throat ] After a full day
of sorting spreadsheets, Mitch and Terry sparked a
pre-roll of Blueberry Death Star and set out to find their
favorite late-night food spot from a previous trip
five years earlier. And that’s when things
took a turn for the worse. So we walk around for like hours but couldn’t find it. Terry really didn’t remember, uh, from, uh, our last trip. Found this, uh, burrito spot and had this amazing queso. Oh, shit. Queso? -Yeah.
-That sounds so good. Andavolu:
A dope burrito spot, or merely the wishful musings
of a couple stoned CPAs? We may never find out. But what we do know for certain is that Mitch
and Terry were fired — ♪♪ [ Coughs ] He went that way. [ Clicking ] I actually go through
a little routine every morning, pretending that somebody
is in my house. So just do a lot of like [Gasps]
Support. Yeah. -Steadying the muzzle.
-And let out a breath with it. [ Exhaling sharply ] Who’s there? Who the hell is there?! I swear to fucking God! [ Breathing heavily ] [ Clicking ] [ Flute plays ]
Nope. Man: Ooh, yeah. [ Clicking ] People should eat more fruit. I love fruit. Have you ever
peeled a tangerine? It’s like winning an easy game. Try it. ♪♪ [ Clicking ] Know why dogs lick their balls? Look. Man:
What’s your password? I’m just gonna try
to pull up some videos. Man: Such favorites as
“Flipping Through an Issue of Puberty Magazine,” “Whispering the Declaration
of Independence”… Woman: [ Whispering ] We hold
these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. Breathe. Breathe. Tonight on “50/50″… We have another person coming in and the chance of a lifetime
for $1 million, all on the line,
one lucky moment. I’m Bill Hart. We’ll be right
back with tonight’s contestant. [ Clicking ] Man and woman: ♪ Will you take a
look at this cute fucking cat? ♪ ♪ Look at them playing
with that stuff ♪ ♪ Buy them ♪ Buy this cat. Let’s take a look at, uh, Alaska over here. Over there. I don’t know
where Alaska is. ♪♪ Announcer: Ho! -Is it hard?
-Yeah, I have it. Man: Let’s take it again
from the top. I-I said I have it, okay? Now, this kind of card,
you can use for any occasion, not for one
particular occasion. Which is kind of hard
to find these days. -You get a lot of —
-And inside, there is a… -…letter.
-Right. So, this is a stock that
you could write a letter on. You can write — you know,
you could even print a formal invoice on, if you’re feeling fancy. Woman: New Dentafile
sugar-free toothpaste. It cleans deep
so you don’t have to.
Hey, babe? You’ll be ready
to tackle the day with a new-found fresh,
Honey? Unlike ordinary toothpaste…
Peggy?! Peggy: What?
toothpaste… Did you remember to record
“60 Minutes” this week?
…cleans three times deeper No. You said you would.
…and leaves your mouth
feeling two times cleaner. -No.
-You can bru– -Read the letter.
-Get off me. Get your hand -off of my fucking head, bitch.
-Read the letter! What does it say?
What does it say?
Get your hand off my head, bitch. What does the letter say?! I want “60”!
Peggy: Just shut — Shut up!
Comes to fresh breath and clean teeth — [ Shrieking ]
How could you do this to me?! ♪♪ -Tax —
-The weather — -News —
-Sports — Man: Money — Man #2:
So we just stood there. [ Fart ] Narrator:
They don’t talk like cops. You know
what you got to do? Throw the kid
in the fucking river. They don’t act like cops. -You’re a cop! [ Laughs ]
-I’m a cop? [ Laughing ] You’re a cop.
Because they aren’t cops. But they did just
accidentally kill a guy. Find out how on Thurs– [ Man slurping ] ♪♪ Oh, my God.
[ Clears throat ] Burglary, grand-theft auto,
or any of these crimes? Then you’re entitled
to legal compensation from me, Dick Fitzsimmons.
I did those things. Over the weekend of April 19th, I went on a weekend-filled
crime spree that I can’t remember.
But you might. Dressing up like a cat
and stealing your garbage? Me. Taping over the birth
of your child? Me. Filling in crossword puzzles
with tomorrow’s answers? Me. Convincing school children
World War I has not ended? [ Laughs ]
Come on. Me. Broadcasting baseball games
without the express written consent
of Major League Baseball? Filling the Gatorade
bottles with my urine? Riverboat fraud?
Kissing your baby — Espionage?
Nasty dun– Bar mitzvah —
Yeah, me. Lav– [ Laughs ] M– Me — So don’t — [ Laughs ] [ Rapid clicking ] [ Clicking ] [ Clicking ] Man: I still think about Carla
from time to time. But I still haven’t
brought myself to throw out
all of her fingernail– [ Man grunting ] ♪♪ Hart: Welcome again to America’s
favorite game show. I’m Bill Hart.
This is “50/50.” Dale, high stakes here.
America’s watching. $1 million on the line. Before the break,
we talked to America about the multiple problems
you’ve been facing — failed mortgages,
gambling debt, multiple cosmetic surgeries,
two alimonies. Your wife Maggie’s
actually in the audience. Maggie, wave.
How you doing? Wow, she does not look
happy to be here. You know what would make her
happy to be here, Dale? If she saw you walk away with $1 million. Are you ready
to take a shot at plugging this USB into this computer
for $1 million? ♪♪ I know it sounds like you’ve
been a loser all your life, but this is your chance
to make it work. It’s all on you
if you blow this. He’s going.
He’s going for it. ♪♪ ♪♪ All right, Dale,
the moment of truth. He’s putting it in. ♪♪ Oh… Oh, the wrong way! -Ohh —
-Dale, ugh, I’m sorry. That’s the way it goes. The name
of the show, 50/50 chance.
Oh…me! …Ohh. Oh… Oh…
Damn it! I think I’m gonna be sick.
I’m gonna…kill you! Well, I guess that’s the way the
cookie crumbles here on “50/50.” I’m gonna —
I’m going to kill you.
Didn’t get a chance of getting that USB in — … Don’t change the channel. Don’t change the chann– Man: Ah, this thing’s
falling so much. That’s perfect. Exposure. All right, and just,
exactly what you’re doing and we’ll count to 10.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128, 129, 130. ♪♪ ♪♪ Fuck you! ♪ A long fight ♪ -Are a most prompt —
When you sip an ice-cold glass
of refreshing Empire Light, you’re not just
tasting a man’s beer. You’re tasting a man’s piss. ♪♪ And my name’s Jim.
These are my dolls. And I am selling these dolls. And I’m telling you,
these are collectibles. These are rare items.
They’re gonna sell fast. I know they’re gonna sell fast,
so don’t hesitate. Call the number
on the screen, a– ♪♪ Announcer:
It’s “Good Magical Morning,” with Chris and Gorbana. And here are your hosts,
Chris and Gorbana. [ Laughs ] Oh, my God. -Aah!
-What a morning! [ Both laugh ] Oh, good morning, to you and you. Good morning, Vietnam! You! Don’t do that. [ Man screams ] [ Quietly ]
Are you — Are you okay? Are you ok– Gorbana? And all our viewers
at home, huh? -All of ’em.
-Yeah. Get ’em all, okay? Hey. How are you?
Good to see you again. [ Chuckling ]
Get her. Okay. You good?
Yep. You okay? All: [ Whispering ]
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. -Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
-Hey. Hey. Hey. [ Camera shutter clicks ]
All: No! [ Whispering ]
Hey. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hey. I love this meat. [ Woman screaming ] I’m Chris. I’m 14. And I’m a bad boy! I got coo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-l hair. Cool hair. Cool hair.
Cool hair. Cool hair. Cool hair. Cool hair. Cool hair. Coo– Announcer: Tired of this
happening to you? [ Chuckles ] Looks like you
need better tires. Call today. Andavolu: A young woman
attends a dinner party hosted by an old friend. Feeling lost amongst
the conviviality of strangers, she begins to question if she’s
actually alone in the universe. But is she? And are we all? I’m Krishna Andavolu, and this is
“Unsolved Weed Mysteries.” ♪♪ As Rae watched her fellow
dinner-party guests partake of overcooked salmon and a funky orange wine
from, I want to say Romania, questions raced
through her head. “What does it all mean? Are people innately good,
or are they evil? Can everyone tell that
I’m being quiet and weird? Should I say something,
or would it be too obvious that I’m trying to convince them
I’m not super high?” [ Clicking ] Chris:
Cool hair. Cool hair. ♪♪ So, this guy, he used to have
a public-access show called
“My Fantastic Flute,” where he would teach people
how to play the flute. Ah, that’s so fun.
What a public service. Yeah, it’s still going. Uh, so he was so bad
at the flute, the show was a colossal failure.
Oh. And then, suddenly one day,
he just vanishes. Then we find him
working the front desk at a bird sanctuary
upstate. Mystery solved. But guess
where he is today? He is not. -He’s here! He is here today!
-Oh, my goodness! Gorbana: He’s here!
[ Screams, laughs ] Wow.
There he is in the flesh. Hi. Welcome to
“Good Magical Morning.” Welcome. [ Whispering ]
Is that our guy? -His hands were disgusting.
-Okay. -Hey, cool daddy-o’s.
-Hey, cool daddy. Don’t. Uh, so, Lyle, tell us where you’ve been. Oh, um, well, I’ve been at the
Upper Dutchess County bird rehabilitation
facility. Wow. While we have
you here, I’ve alwa– What does this —
the phrase “Eat crow” mean? Yes. What’s it mean? My dad always
had a saying, “If I’m gonna eat crow, it better be hot.”
[ Laughter ] -Oh, ’cause hot crow is better.
-Wow. You know, I have to say I’m surprised to hear
you were raised with a father. You just give the vibe of someone that was maybe
raised not by two parents. Ugh, that’s ludicrous
to even — Speaking of ludicrous, I would love to hear
“Move, Bitch” on the flute. Man: ♪ Revvin’ my truck
doin’ my thing ♪ Man: Average dairy cow weighs about 1,200 pounds. [ Cow moos ] Jim:
Doing this little ad again, ’cause no one has called yet
about the dolls, so, uh, there must be
some mix-up with maybe the cable’s not, uh,
playing the ad or some– Man: 1.5 — ♪ This truck ♪ Stay tuned. We’ll be back
right after the break. Man:
Has this ever happened to you? Or this? Or this? Or this? Then you’re a fucking moron. Ah, fuck. Welcome back
to “Words with Ike.” Now, to my surprise, the hate
mail has not stopped coming in from our alternate definition
of the word “nerd.” And so, I’d like to use
this installment to issue an apology. Today’s word is…”Sorry.” ♪♪ The definition —
a feeling of sadness, regret and grief. For example, I’m sorry…nerd. ♪♪ [ Rapid clicking ] ♪♪ Man: Whoa. Oh, man. Whoa. [ Chuckles ] [ Static ] [ Liquid sloshing,
man groaning ] [ Reel whirring ] Yes! Okay, you want one?
You want one. -You want one.
-You want one. Okay. -Who wants a t-sh–
-Try to throw — Sorry, didn’t mean
to get you there. -I will call my lawyer.
-I just think it’s crazy that you were talking
about how I can’t throw, and then I pegged you
in the face, so… Yeah, from 2 feet.
Was that hard? Was that hard?
‘Cause, you know, I-I know toddlers
who could do that, also. You don’t know any toddlers.
You can’t even have children. [ All chuckling ] Hey. Whoa.
Watch out. Watch out. Watch out. -Hey.
-Whoa. Man: Dick’s Hot Dogs
on Main Street. Don’t eat just any hot dog.
Eat a Dick– Man: Look at it. I freakin’ love this city. What am I?! Ooh, I’ll play this game.
I don’t know. What are you? Aah! Do you still
get your period? [ Clicking ] Why do you think
your marriage failed? ♪♪ [ Clears throat ] My name is Josh. I’m from Florida. And…
I like to skateboard. Yeah. What? Man: New recipe completely
reinvents the pizza itself. Introducing the all-new all-crust pizza. No sauce. No cheese. All crust. Jim:
Hey, it’s me, motherfuckers. Since nobody called the number, nobody deserves
the friggin’ dolls, so I’m not sellin’ ’em anymore. Do not call the number
at the bottom of the screen. I’m friggin’ pissed o– ♪♪ -This is very hot.
-♪ How do you — ♪ ♪♪ Welcome to Los Angeles. The palm trees here
look like little aliens. And the sun is
getting really bright, and the sun is burning my — and the sun is
burning my s– the palm t– the palm trees
and the sun — beach, and everything you could ever —
Welcome to Los Ange– And this is the fun part. -Mm.
-You know? You just get out here,
and it’s super creative. You just do whatever
you want, you know? Just — It’s all
about expression. Now, I always thought piping
required some skill, but… No, it doesn’t.
It doesn’t at all. -Really?
-Yeah. -Do you mind…
-Do it. …if I take
a crack at it? -Pipe that bad boy.
-Okay. -There it is.
-Oh, look at her. Wow, she’s finally
doing something. Not bad, huh? Not bad. -Wow.
-Wow. Look at that. Oh, and look at that.
Wow, it’s like soft-serve. -Yeah. Anyone could do it.
-Wow. -Do you want to try it?
-It’s fun. -Do you want to give it a go?
-Yeah. I would love to try. -Wow.
-Yeah. Let’s do that. -Yeah, leave it to this guy.
-Wow, that’s fun. -That’s fun.
-Yeah. That’s too much, I think.
That’s what we call extra icing. [ Laughter ] Well, let’s be a little bit
worse by filling the tools. Well…
Now, what kind of, uh, items would you
recommend cooking for your — your partner that
maybe isn’t totally romantic, but, like, they slap you
in the face with their dick -every now and then?
-Like a — Like a fuck buddy? -Um, like a tart, you know?
-A tart. -Like a t– Like a nice tart.
-Something light. Something light, something easy.
Mm-hmm. Um, something says that, like,
“You know what? I care what you think,
but also… -Not really.
-…not really,” -you know?
-Okay. My wife and I are very
happily married, so… -Oh, you have a wife!
-Yeah, of course I do. Wow.
Yeah, that’s what — uh, that’s
what everyone says, you know. -Yeah.
-Wow. Well, that’s interesting. Well, they’re just,
uh, surprised that I am a one-woman
kind of guy, you know? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, those highlights
say “one woman.” -One woman.
-High– What highlights? This is how my hair grows, so…
One woman, not 10,000 men. Yeah, okay.
That’s a natural blond? -Yeah.
-You have got to be shitting me. Don’t go anywhere. Child:
♪ Always TV ♪ ♪ How can I stop ♪ ♪ Watching TV? ♪ Well, you just have to stop. Just turn off the TV. Mm-kay. -It looks like a bowel movement.
-What an interesting technique. It’s like a drip castle
at the beach.